Yet I Read

I woke at 2 A.M. today. I glance at the pile of books on my table. Did I fall asleep? What was I doing? I couldn't remember. When did I get in bed? I stand up and walk to the table and look at the book still propped up on the bookstand. I see that the sentence I highlighted seemed blurry and messy. Did I fall asleep while I was reading it? I look at the list of chapters I listed and realize that I'm halfway done. Halfway. I don't even remember what I just read! I'm frustrated and stressed, and yet I read.

I have about 30 minutes before the test starts and I feel so unprepared. I sneak a peek at the people in the library and they all seem so calm. Maybe they're panicking on the inside? Was I the only one who was unable to stick to my schedule? I skim through my notes and I find that nothing is sinking in. Why am I so off schedule? What was I doing the whole week? I remember taking a day off after that last test (I wasn't prepared then) I remember reading for our SGD all those other days so why am I so unprepared? 15 minutes to the test, I cram. I haven't had breakfast, I haven't put on my makeup, my hair is a mess, and I'm stressed. Yet I read.

The results came in today and I'm disappointed. I was so sure I got those questions right. Obviously I was wrong. They all seem so contented and happy with their grades and I feel a tinge of jealousy bubbling up. Why am I so stupid? Why is it hard for me to make the cut-off? I make a promise to myself that I'll do better next time and that I'll stick to the schedule. I watch a movie though and I come home late so I don't do anything school related. I wake up the next morning unprepared for the SGD. I panic, I'm stressed and yet I read.

Days turn to weeks, weeks to months and I struggle to keep up with the bulk of material I need to catch up on. I gather all the books, all the notes and pile them up on my table. I have a week left to read one year's worth of subject matter. What was I doing the entire time? Why do all this information seem so new to me? Have I read this before? I cram every piece of information I could get. An hour before that final test I'm unprepared. I'm way behind. I'm hungry, I'm thirsty and I'm stressed. Yet I read.

They gave us the yellow paper today and I wait until I'm alone to unfold it. My heart beats fast, my hands are shaking, I'm sweating... I open it...

I smirk to myself and walk away. The cycle continues.

Written by Alexis Eirene Suarez of Batch Asterion